Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
