if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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