Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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