cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
vagina is talking i cant
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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