he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
