I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
