He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
