I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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