I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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