I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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