i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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