the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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