Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
