I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
