hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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