1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
