I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize