WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
