sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
