I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
