he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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