So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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