there's paper in my vomit.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
