The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
