I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
