I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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