ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
