So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize