Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
