I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize