Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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