your parents love me but you hate me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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