Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
