There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I sprained my soul last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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