Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
