I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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