I wish I could teleport
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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