i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
