I hate all girls vehemently.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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