i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
