I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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