The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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