I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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