The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize