Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
