My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
