sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
