So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Congratulations! We have a period
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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