I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
