So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize