I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
