I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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