I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
