Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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