after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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