U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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