i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
