why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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