he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
