the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
