Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
