I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you had me at cake vodka
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
